In Need of Quality Time
As a family of five, our weekly schedule is crammed with school and work, sports practices and games, other activities and obligations. The constant reminder of our busy schedule sits illuminated in our kitchen: a color-coded calendar screen, organizing each day, and the week ahead.
Last fall, I remember reading a post in a local parent forum about how schedules get even crazier in high school followed by comments from many other parents confirming this. I spiraled, looking at my oldest who will be in middle school next year, and decided we would plan an adventure for spring break; a trip where we could spend quality time together and create lasting memories.
Fast forward to April, and we were on a flight out west! Next came the hardest part for me… truly stepping away, unplugging and being present in the moment without feeling distracted.
The WILD(ly) Beautiful WEST
I can honestly say that I have never experienced so much beauty in nature. Even on car rides between adventures I couldn’t stop staring at the vastly different landscapes. We began our adventure at a quick stop in Vegas, experiencing a cirque du soleil show. The next morning (waking up in Vegas) we drove to our first location: The Hoover Dam. My mind was blown considering the engineering and man-power that went into constructing this in the 1930s and the fact that its generators provide power for both public and private utilities in Nevada, Arizona and California. I remember feeling giddy as we got back into the car knowing that this was just the first stop of an amazing adventure.
Canyons, Kayaks & ATV’s … OH MY!
We arrived at our accommodations at the Grand Canyon and quickly dropped our luggage and began walking to dinner. We turned a corner and suddenly there it was in all its glory: The Grand Canyon. The sun was setting and perfectly highlighting the orange and red colors in all the rocks. It was absolutely breathtaking and as I stood there with my family, I remember looking at the faces of my boys and thinking: we’re all going to remember this forever. Each place we visited was even more beautiful than the next. We moved from the Grand Canyon (AZ) to the Grand Staircase (UT) and then to Horseshoe Bend (AZ) and Antelope Canyon (both through hiking and kayaking Lake Powell). I was particularly awestruck with Antelope Canyon. When we were hiking through the slot canyon of Canyon X, it felt like we were on another planet. I have never seen rock formations or colors like this in my entire life. Then, we explored the canyons by kayak: I had Seamus and Mac on my boat (Mac, at the age of 4, is too young to paddle so Seamus and I worked extra hard to make up for Mac’s lack of paddling). At the 1.5 mile marker, Seamus & Finn switched boats, so that I had a little extra manpower to help get back. It was really nice to have some “alone” time with each of the boys; we talked as we worked together to make sure we were in sync with our rows, while Mac (delirious and ready for a nap) serenaded us with a variety of songs including, “Seven Nation Army” on repeat. After a busy few days, and spending each night in a new place, we headed to Hurricane, Utah to our airbnb and had a much-needed rest day by the pool.
Facing Fears & Making Memories
You may be wondering why someone with a paralyzing fear of heights would have booked a trip consisting of hikes through massive canyons … but as a mom of three boys, what else do you expect? The day arrived where we would be hiking Zion National Park, and my crippling fear started taking hold as we drove through the winding roads inches (or at least, what felt like inches) along the sides of cliffs. As we began the hike, and my breathing rapidly increased, my fearless Finn and husband (holding Mac) forged ahead, while Seamus stayed in the back with me, making sure I had someone to hike at a slower pace with. I can confidently say that I only cried six times throughout the hike, particularly when we were inching around rocks, not able to see what was ahead. When we got to the overlook and I had a second to collect my thoughts, I had a quiet moment with my older two. I told them how difficult the hike was for me and how anxious and scared I had felt the entire time. I didn’t realize it at the time, but having them witness me face my fear was pretty incredible.
Our final adventure was supposed to be at Bryce Canyon, but due to extreme weather conditions, we had to pivot and find a new adventure (I’m coming back for you, Bryce!) We discovered that Sand Hollow State Park was only a ten minute drive from our Airbnb, and rented ATVs and sand boards. What started out as our “Bryce Backup Plan,” quickly turned into a fan favorite for many! Mike drove the ATV with Finn and Seamus sitting up front, while Mac and I relaxed in the back (ok, ok… I was white-knuckling the handlebar). The landscape was absolutely stunning: orange and red sand dunes, against a crystal blue lake and snowcapped mountains, again… I have never seen anything like it! We stopped at some dunes that were big enough for the kids (and some adults) to sled and sand board down them, which was so much fun! This last adventure was the most thrilling way to end this unforgettable trip.
Small Takeaways from a Big Trip
When we arrived home, we were quickly hurled back into our “normal” busy schedules of sports, activities, and work and the trip was starting to feel like a distant memory. On Sunday night laying awake in bed I began thinking about the week ahead. I couldn’t help but reflect on our adventure, the memories we created, and how peaceful and fulfilled I felt while we were away. I decided in that moment that this sense of peace shouldn’t only be reserved for “vacations.” I sat up in bed, pulled out the notebook from my bed stand, that’s usually reserved for my middle-of-the-night-brainstorming-sessions, and wrote down my thoughts. I didn’t want to lose this newly-inspired-sense-of-self, and was afraid Monday morning would swallow me whole, and by Friday when I came up for air I would have forgotten.
Time is a Thief; But it Doesn’t Have to Be
The reality, whether I want to admit it or not, is that the boys are growing up. Each year their schedules get a little busier, and more of their “free time” is spent socializing with friends. This trip taught me that spending quality time with my kids doesn’t have to be these substantial blocks of time, or even scheduled for that matter. Carving out 5-10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time for each child goes a long way. I felt inspired to start a weekly “mom & me walk & talk.” Each week on an evening where they don’t have an activity we go for a walk, just the two of us. I found with boys, they tend to open up more when they don’t have to make eye contact, and are actively doing something like walking (or Seamus will bring a basketball to dribble along the way). The point of these walks is for them to talk and me to listen; no judgement, no expectations. It took a little scaffolding at first, but it’s become our way of connecting each week, and giving them the platform to open up beyond the typical, “How was school?” (To which their response is always, “fine.” Period. No further questions). Time might be flying by; but who’s to say we can’t steal some of it back each day?
Stand Where your Feet are Planted
Whether hiking, kayaking or ATVing: you truly had to remain focused on what you were doing. On the trip, I found myself present and engaged in each moment. If I was hiking, I was making sure to focus on the terrain and each step, or when sitting at the dinner table, I was attentively engulfed in conversation, not worried about my phone and “missing something.” In my normal day-to-day, I often feel like my brain is a web browser with 7,000 open tabs. I try to focus on the task at hand, but can easily be distracted with requests from the kids, a phone call interruption, or school sending me a reminder about pajama day tomorrow. As a realtor, I struggle with the fact that my work is mostly on my phone. The kids see me standing in the kitchen at 3:15, and although I am “physically” present, I may be answering a client email, text, or on a call and not able to be “mentally” present. I’ve learned that this isn’t helpful or healthy for anyone, and while sometimes it’s unavoidable, I’ve been working on time blocking. I’ve been spending more hours in my office, and when I am there, I am only focused on work. When I pick up the kids at 3:00, I am focusing on them, helping them get their homework completed, feeding them, and getting them off to their sports practices or games. I occasionally will have to answer a call or a text here or there, but this strategy of blocking working hours and personal hours (or rather “mom-ing hours”) is helping me be more present in the moment with my children, and focused during working hours for my clients.
Work/Life Balance Doesn’t Exist
The word “balance” is defined as “an even distribution” or “keeping something in a steady position.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that nothing in this world is constant. Therefore, the expression “work/life balance” is essentially setting us all up for failure. For the first time in my career, I took an entire week off. And guess what? The bottom didn’t fall out. Nothing caught on fire. Everything was fine. Before leaving for the trip I informed everyone of the dates that I would be out of office, followed by a detailed plan of who they could reach out to in my absence. I would be remiss if I didn’t add in here a BIG shout out to my amazing team that stepped up and took care of my people as if they were their own. I am so fortunate to have the most caring, generous, and hard-working colleagues. As I reflected on my time off, I had an “aha” moment. I’ve worked so hard in my career to attract the type of people that, for lack of better words, “are my people.” There is a mutual understanding, a deep respect for one another; and they know that at my core I genuinely care about them. I never want to “let anyone down,” and always want to be available for them no matter what time of day. But I have been missing an important aspect of these relationships. The respect and understanding: it works both ways. My clients also respect I have a personal life, and understand that I am a busy mom of three boys. They know the importance of family, and that’s why we choose to work together. I’m learning that “balance” isn’t achievable and that there are going to be days that are more “work” heavy and days that I need to be the chaperone on a field trip: and that’s ok. Instead of trying to achieve this unrealistic “balance,” I’ve decided to give myself grace, and to know that every day isn’t going to look the same.
Let your Kids See You; Especially When You’re Vulnerable
The hike in Zion pushed me to my limit. I am petrified of heights, and even worse was the “unknown” terrain ahead. There were times you needed to essentially hug a rock in order to inch around it; that, and not knowing what was around the corner had me in panic mode. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, I involuntarily cried six times, and had moments where I thought I needed to turn around. Seamus, who also doesn’t love heights, grabbed my hand a couple of times and assured me, “Mom, you’re going to be ok.” I remember making it to the overlook, and feeling a little embarrassed at how scared I was. I didn’t realize the impact this had on them, until a couple weeks later when Seamus came home from school with a worksheet entitled, “A Woman I Look Up To,” where he used the adjective “brave” to describe me. I asked him why he chose that word and he said, “I watched you face your fear, and even though there were times you were so scared, you kept going… that was really brave.” My oldest chimed in, “Yes, Mom, that was really cool!” Their words hit me like a ton of bricks. As parents, we strive to be role models for our children, always wanting them to see us in the best light (and let me tell you, I wasn’t the best version of myself on that hike, expletives included). But listening to them talk that day, I realized they should see us when we’re vulnerable, and struggling. After all we are human beings: flaws and all. With my oldest entering middle school, it got me thinking how I want them to feel like they can always talk to me, and share their experiences (both good and bad), without judgment. Vulnerability creates connection and a mutual understanding that we’re not perfect, but we’re always here to support each other.
Pour into Those that Fill Your Cup
On paper, this trip was jam-packed with an exhausting, and both physically and mentally challenging itinerary. However, I left feeling invigorated, inspired, and back to my “self.” So often in my day-to-day I get spread thin, pouring all of my energy into family, friends, work, and other obligations. The expression, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” couldn’t ring any truer for me the last few years. I am constantly giving of my time and energy, and lately, I have felt depleted. Someone recently said to me, “Saying ‘no’ to others is saying ‘yes’ to yourself.” Coming home from this trip, I have thought about those words over and over. This experience overflowed my cup in so many ways: spending quality time with my family, unplugging and recharging my battery. Anytime I begin drifting back into old habits, and spreading myself thin, I keep thinking back to this trip. I am pausing before automatically saying “yes,” and asking myself some simple questions: “Do you want to do this?” “Do you have the time or energy to do this?” “Are the people you are saying ‘yes’ to ones that also fill your cup?” “Will this leave you feeling invigorated, or drained?” Stopping to answer these questions forces me to do a “scan” of myself, instead of immediately saying “yes.” I know these changes won’t happen over night, but I’m learning to listen to that little voice inside, and ensure that I’m putting myself, my family, and those that fill my cup first!
Mothers are Amazing!
Writing this was very therapeutic as I let my thoughts flow freely. Being a working mom and balancing family, my boys’ busy schedules, activities and friends can sometimes feel impossible. Over the last few years there have been many moments where I feel absolutely spread thin: running from work to school pick-up, to shuttling the kids to practices, games or other activities to feeding them their first (and second dinners), to homework, showers and bed to opening my computer back up to finish my work; and then rinse & repeat! But, I also know that these are the “glory days,” the ones that my husband and I will longingly look back on wishing that we were standing at the Little League field cheering on our boys. There is that palpable feeling every night as I lay in bed where I know I am going to miss these moments. So, I’m learning to let the little things go, spend time with the ones who matter most, reserve my “yes’s” in order to protect my peace and rest my head on my pillow at night knowing that the never-ending to-do list will still be there tomorrow … and it can wait.